Today was like any other day, woke up feeling great and had “a plan” and by the end of the afternoon my lovely plan has gone to absolute shit and now I have 5 partially finished tasks, am beyond frustrated, and in full blown panic mode grasping at straws trying to figure out how I’m going to get this shit done. The best part is, now I can’t get anything done because I’m in panic mode because nothing it going right and now I’m overwhelmed because now I’m realizing there is so much left to do and I’m sitting here talking myself in circles and can barely focus on 1 thing let alone 5 unfinished things. I’m sure one can only imagine judging by the the two run on sentences I used to start this post. GAAAAA! It never fails I’m feeling awesome, I got “a plan”, I’m rocking in rolling and I’m gonna kick today in dick! NOPE – ADHD had far bigger plans for me than I could have imagined.
So today I plan to prep and prepare most of the meals for dinner this week. I’ve been working late a few nights a week the last couple of week – unplanned – and come home and it’s 8pm and no one has eaten and if I cook, well then no one really is eating because it’ll be late as hell. So I say today, I’m gonna make EVERYTHING ahead so in the event I work late, everyone can eat. PERFECT! I find a recipes for Mason jar parfaits and salads, great! I see this nifty trick on a video on Pinterest where a woman takes empty applesauce cups and fills them with shit and puts them in between the seal and round opening of the lid of the Mason jar – SUPER COOL – I’m gonna do that! Next I find some recipes for chicken, OH and I’m gonna make pulled pork in the crockpot so we can have that too. Sounds like a fantastic plan, don’t you think? What could possibly go wrong? LOL!
Things we terribly wrong alright. So my “quick trip” to the grocery store took almost 2 hours because I was distracted by all the coupons on the app and decided I could really save some money today, it won’t take that long. Then I realize I forgot my list off the fridge and had to work with a partially completed one on my phone. Now that’s a recipe for ya, a recipe for disaster! So 2 hours and $200 later, I’m on my way home. I get home and look at the clock and say HOLY CRAP it’s 4pm, I need to make the pulled pork on the crockpot. It won’t be done till midnight! SHIT! Now I’m starting to panic, then I remember wait – my mom said she bought me an instapot for Christmas from Amazon Prime Day, maybe she’ll let me borrow it… so I’m in panic mode, run Over to my mom’s room and ask about the instapot. She is trying to make things fun and is asking what will I trade for it. In my head I’m saying “TRADE! OMG TRADE! I can’t think about trading right now! Why is she asking me this? Can’t she see I’m in crisis right now? How can she talk about trading at a time like this?”… T-Minus 30 seconds to meltdown. In front of her I’m just stuttering and getting more upset, so now I’m shrieking and getting more upset because I know I’m shrieking and I look and sound ridiculous but I can’t fix it. Now my mom is getting upset because I can’t answer her, because I can’t think straight because I’m now completely scatterbrained and unable to think of anything else but the damn pulled pork. She doesn’t see what’s happening and says “It’s not Rocket Science” – an now comes the sounding alarms in my head “commence meltdown 5-4-3…”. Yup!
In an effort to try and “salvage my afternoon”, I stomp off and say fuck the pork, we just won’t have it! I’m now in full on beast mode so what better thing to do than move on to the next task… Now move on the next thing… Mason Jar Fruit Parfaits.. seems easy enough. HA! I decided to use the nifty trick with the applesauce cups, so I skip the first step of putting the oats at the bottom of the jar and move right on to measuring the yogurt with a measuring spoon and using a scraper to dispense into the jar. My brain is still upset about the pulled pork and now it isn’t telling the right and left hand how to do this. I end up flinging the scrapper and a HUGE glob of yogurt lands right on my top of my toes. If I had shoes on, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but of course not – I was wearing flip flops! DOH! I only wish I had said DOH, nope instead I screamed several m-f’ers and then proceeded to try and clean the yogurt out from in between my toes. When I’m done with that I finishing putting the yogurt into the jars and realize I didn’t buy enough yogurt. I needed to do 6 jars and can only do 3. Ok fuck it, we’ll just have 3. I go to add the fruit, then I realize I didn’t buy the frozen fruit! HOLY SHIT! 30 seconds to meltdown… so I run to the freezer, surely I have SOMETHING in there. I find a bag of blueberries, score! Ok! So add those and then pour the granola into the applesauce cups and now I’m in the home stretch! Woo hooo! Something finished, yes! I go to put the cup through the hole on the Mason jar lid and the cup is too big. The opening doesn’t even get a quarter of the way down! FAAAAAAKKKKKKK!!!!! Yup! Now what am I gonna do? That was the first step, I can’t dump everything out…. so I rummage through the Tupperware cabinet and I manage to find small cups with lids, so I decide I’m gonna use those. But I’m upset, it’s not how I planned it!
Ok next task – Chicken Mason Jar Salads. I start cooking the chicken on the stove. Ok this has to go right! HA! First part of the Mason Jar is the dressing. Go to make the dressing, it requires the fruit I didn’t buy. FAK! Now chicken is already cooking. Need a dressing, needs a dressing, NEED A F’ing DRESSING!!!!!!! Lol. Can’t find one that I want to use because my brain was fixated on using THAT dressing. So now I say fuck the Salads, I’ll grab dressing during the week and make them later. I finish the chicken and bag it up.
Move on the next thing… snacks for work. I cut up carrots and go to put hummus in the applesauce cup. Then I realize shit, the cup doesn’t fit! Shit shit shit shit! Now what am I gonna do? Tupperware cupboard! So I run over there praying I have SOMETHING! Jackpot! I’ve got divided snack containers that will hold the carrots on one side and the hummus on the other. Wooo hooo! Ok, no melt down… moving on.
Up next is the chicken orzo. Wow I actually have everything I need! Let’s do this. Read the directions and there’s too many steps. I just can’t focus and there is just way too much to do here. I’m so fried! So I make the chicken because it’s now thawed and I HAVE TOO! But officially say fuck it after that.
Seriously, I cannot make this shit up! Nope not me! It always seems it’s an absolute shit show right to the very end, ADHD = 4 Joye = 1! So now I’m left feeling totally down in the dumps. ADHD has managed to yet again rob the wind from sail! So for those who wonder how something so easy became such a disaster, I’ll tell ya how –
#1 – There’s no such thing as a “easy task” for someone who has ADHD. We take FOREVER to do anything and it’s because of all the “distractions” we encounter while trying to complete an easy task. Today was grocery shopping. I only needed a couple of things, then HEY! COUPONS! Lol. Now it’s 2 hours later… holy crap I gotta get home. Even the simplest of tasks can be next to impossible for someone who has ADHD. Not being able to complete the simplest of tasks is absolute complete torture! We feel inadequate constantly and that becomes really depressing!
#2 – We suffer from Can’t Remember Shit (CRS) constantly! I spent all that time today looking up stuff to make only to forget to write down the stuff I needed to buy or make a note of how much I needed. I forgot my primary list off the fridge. Who does that? People with ADHD do! Our brains are so scatterbrained that things are forgotten as quick as they are found!
#3 – We become easily overwhelmed and when we are overwhelmed it’s almost impossible to do anything, even talk. Never fails, I know what I am trying to say, I know what I need to say but my brain is in a complete tailspin and nothing will come out, leaving me even more frustrated than I was before. If by chance I can manage to get something out, it’s typically a bunch of sentence fragments that make absolutely no sense and leaves me sounding a bit like Ozzy. Then the person I am talking to, looks at me all perplexed and now on top of already feeling completely inadequate, we can add incompetent to this list. This is why it’s equally frustrating when some says “it’s not that hard” or “it’s not rocket science” – well shit, it might as well be because I’m obviously having a problem. I suck royally in arguments because I’m trying so hard to listen and take everything in but I am so stressed and overwhelmed that I can’t respond or make sense of anything. I’m often the one that returns hours after an argument with 15 rebuttals because I’ve had a chance to process what was said. Often times, this leaves me paralyzed, can’t communicate, can’t do anything. I’m trying so hard to focus and I can’t focus on anything.
#4 – We become so focused on doing that one task and when it fails, it’s pretty much the end of the world. LOL – My mother always says “it’s not life or death” or “its not the end of the world”. My Fiance says “dooms-day Joye strikes again”. For someone with ADHD, it IS the end of the world, it IS life or death. They become so invested in a task because they are trying so hard to pay close attention to see it through successfully. On top of that you add Hypersensitivity to this equation and well you have a ticking time bomb when things don’t go right. I was so excited about my plans to win the battle of not being prepared. I filled my head with such grandiose ideas and plans that I forgot the key things to complete those plans. It’s taken a lot of work to move on to the next task when the first one goes down in big ball of flames. It was definitely something I wasn’t always able to do. While the whole day was basically ruined in my head, I had to keep going because I bought all this stuff and I can’t waste money. But for many that is next to impossible. They are so focused on seeing things through that they can’t move on to anything else because they are sitting there over analyzing every aspect of what they did and beating themselves up for every “stupid” mistake they made. We are awesome at the game of guilt and we spare no leniency on our souls. The worse it is, the more guilt way lay on ourselves. It’s the epiphany of self-loathing at it’s finest.
#5 – We always try to squeeze in “one last thing” which makes us late for everything else. Never fails, I’ll be cruising along, working on a big project and just need to do this one last thing. I am so focused and rocking and rollin and just gotta do this one last thing. Next thing you know it’s 9pm and no one has eaten and nothing has gotten done and everyone in the house is pissed off at me. Yup, happens all the time and it’s extremely difficult, yet almost impossible to curb. If I some how manage to walk away, this last thing is nagging me, because I am trying desperately not to forget where I left off and what I had to do next. This one last thing has made me late to meetings, to work, to appointments, and getting dinner on the table. It’s a tough situation because now everyone is mad, frustrated, and disappointed. Now comes the the guilt trip and the self-loathing.
#6 – Conflicts with loved ones or someone we are close with consumes all thoughts and NOTHING, I mean NOTHING will get done the rest of the day. Being hypersensitive, I can’t bare to feel anger and disappointment. It eats at me and becomes all I think about. I am like a broken record, replaying every aspect of the event and repeating over and over again in my head the hurtful things that we said. It’s absolutely crippling. I can’t work, I can’t do housework, I can’t eat, I basically can’t do anything but think about that one event. I will literally beat it to death in my head until it is resolved. Beating myself up in the process. About the only thing I can do is lay in bed and cry, anything else is too overwhelming.
So for all of you ADHD sufferers out there, know you are by no means alone in this. The struggle is real and often times, it’s not spoken about because truthfully no one will understand it. But at the end of the day, if we are still standing, we have reason enough to celebrate. It’s hard enough to be a human being, just add ADHD to the equation and it’s next to impossible. While we may suffer greatly, we cannot allow this disorder to win. We need to constantly find ways to compensate because at the end of the day, the world doesn’t care about what ails us, the world isn’t going to make concessions for ADHD. So we have to. Family plays a huge roll in this and getting your loved one’s behind you to help you when they see things aren’t going right. That in and of itself is hard because so many people view ADHD as a crutch and something that is not real. I am beyond blessed to have a family who are supportive, that make it a point to try and help me. It’s so hard to ask for help though and that’s a whole other discussion for another post at another time.
Please feel free to share your thoughts on this. Let me know any specific areas we can cover that might help you with being successful in everyday life while working with the challenges of ADHD. Till then, stay blessed people!